our man in Amsterdam chapter 2 the grasshopper and the red lights.

If the trains trams and busses were as effective and convenient as they are in Holland you really wouldn't need a car often but if my aunt had different plumbing id call;l her uncle- America seems to be the land of the wishful fantasy being promised a perfect clean life for most of your childhood the perfect world is only a small tweak away, in this case many rails or spoors as they call em, would have to be installed and the cheap labor population isn't available for that anymore. what with unionization and all would prove too costly- and then we wouldn't use all that precious fossil fuel that our presidents' family sells back to us taxpayers to make all those army tanks and expensive jet planes and SUV's (that use about as much fuel to go round the block).but that's another article and this isn't Atlantic Monthly.. so back to the matter at hand. there i go again running off the road so to speak)

THE GRASSHOPPER

The grass hopper is situated in the heart of Amsterdam on the water by a bridge it is a qua;laity restraunt up-stairs while serving coffee and other delights downstairs by this i mean there is an actual booth patterned after that from a movie house where you buy your entrance stubs only here instead of a marquee proclaiming the talents of De niro, Pacino or Kevin Spacey you have the likes of White widow, super skunk, purple thunder, and hashish imported from afghanistan called afghani plus because of its alleged opium content) dutch chocolate, turkish creme and more a;l; purchased from a man in this little booth complete with an electronic scale in plain sight so you know you are gettin your 15 euros worth which will buy you a little more than half of 1/8 ounce- drugs are not legal in Amsterdam but tolerated and you may carry no more than 5 grams on your person without threat of arrest. however if you decide to partake in hard drugs such as coke speed heroin or any variaton of those you can be vigourously prosecuted as none of the aforementioned substances interest me at all i never got a stiff neck from looking over my shoulder.. however what did get stiff was my neck craning to see all the pretty women at attention in the red lit framed windows, much like the beauty stalls beauticians rent and who knows what other things those damn hairdressers do in them.. ) the prostitutes of Amsterdam who work in the little rooms appeared to do little more than model for the ogling passerby rarely did we see anyone actually go in and support the local talent we did however see quite a few men get tossed out quite quickly guess they asked for more than what the menu had to offer or were lying about the fee. either way you get lost in a stream of humanity that speaks 12 different languages at once and keeps moving like cells in the bloodstream you can go on and on an on down the little alleyways and every night you walk its a different game what with the street drug dealers and some scary urchin types down the wrong way as i took once with the virile Allen Wrench himself who i question his street ability to deal with foreign criminal types (even though he may teach judo at the local cop shops in riverside these fellers were more than your average shoplifter of makeup and candy from the kmart and down the darkened streets of the outrails of the redlight district and even down a certain street in the heart of it can be a bit "stimulating" if adrenalin is one of your drugs of choice, if sex porn and women are or men ) Amsterdam is the place for you, in many of the sex shops it is the same as here in the USA but the material is a bit more hardcore and if you ask.. illegal to bring back to the states there are live sex shows which seem to be quite popular with the Japanese who seemed to be lined up around the block to see filth scum and porn as the door hawkers call the show inside..

just like sports i'd rather not watch! two people wrestle their underparts onstage ( and now back to the canal crossing...) the prostitutes all look the same after while so we found a street that has something special a complete row of stunning beauties all who were transvestites strange as it may sounds but like the brochure says- you can find it in Amsterdam while the police and the city try and profit form taking cars and selling them at auction the Dutch just cut to the chase and tax and fee the ladies who Choose to work in this manner and it has been going on ever since the churchies agreed to stop killing each other for a while and develop a policy of tolerance- it also frees up the police to do other things like arrest drunk drivers and locate the od victims as dr heathen scum and i found on our way downstairs at the first "coffee shop the bulldog - through a basement window we saw a fallen woman who appeared to be lifeless and limp and i finger to the neck to check her pulse confirmed her status after her head dropped to the ground and the police waited for the ambulance to arrive it may be tragic but in a society where free will is freedom of choice you must learn to survive or take the balance of good and bad to make it work no one will save you form yourself as they shouldn't have to experience is the best teacher even for those who witness something as tragic as the death of a young girl in the streets it is real life, not a Disney exhibit as so many Americans want to make out of the mean streets of the USA. freedom is what you make of it abuse the system long enough and you get the climate that we as north Americans are sitting in right now by completely abusing the system of lawsuits for personal gain we trade some of our inherit basics to a rightful life and it is too late to change -= on the other hand in Holland suing is not norm neither is tipping your food server and many spoke of the 8% tax on waitresses as being unfair and unusual punishment to only the food service workers (hairdressers as do stripers do not have to pay a gratuity tax or most don't oblige) point is every place has its good and bad to me it was great to be able to weigh the difference having never left the states the television is made to make up your mind so is the radio to sway and control you even under the guise of entertainment speaking of which we got hungry after the red light tour and took a turn into an alleyway that led to a marvelous Indian restraunt complete with beautiful women in belly dancing outfits and the watchful eyes of their jealous husbands who cooked and prepared the food with one eye on ethe task and the other on the wives. also at this time we met a guy who claimed to be De Barge's manager and was on his way to germany to meet with a few record companies. resembling chris rock with a perma smile that was infectious .. i found on this excursion that when it comes to food i love international faire as much as the next person but let the next person have it ...remember this tour was called NO SLEEP TIL TACO BELL" for a reason i was jonesing for a casa de rios plate of nachos, a subway sandwich, anything but what was served in any given restraunt especially mcdonalds which has 2 - eh well almost beef patties lettuce? pickles? onions cheese and all that but tastes like crap..which reminds me of mike myers doing his soccer hooligan skit- that ,folks is a reality and we missed the soccer cup by a few weeks so we were safe. what we didn't miss was the queens day celebration a nationwide party event that makes mardi gras look like a 10 year old birthday at chuck- e cheese we decided to go to Ijmauiden via Harlemm where the band Hammer hawk reside so after a hard days night it was time to catch the tram back to the novotel and get some sleep- HA! the tram was the last one out of the city at 12:30 and our 4 man gang plus a few straggling lover girls. those of you who are fond of lesbians in action, Amsterdam is full of arm holding kissing making love women on women all public displays of affection and not by the usual types who pursue that lifestyle here, no, by those girlies you may see on the cover of a fashion magazine or possibly a foreign movie

resplendsent in what appeared to be expensive Italian clothes and shoes. i say Italian because no one in America wears the style yet and they looked brand new. so after the last lovey doveies are let out, the tram driver asks us our final destination which is her last stop end of the line and wishes to make another entry on the Guinness book of records as the fastest tram in Amsterdam which I'm sure she does but no one is there to record it, so we repair to our gaff me with sleep on my mind havin been deprived of it for many hours or perhaps days what with the time lag ...CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE THE JOURNEY